One of the key reasons I’m reluctant to share with others about being autistic relates to the way that communication by autistic people has been relentlessly pathologised. Even now, the key way that autism is defined in diagnostic manuals and social research primarily foregrounds, as one research article puts it is that: “autism manifests in communication difficulties, challenges with social interactions, and a restricted range of interests”. I don’t know a single autistic person who would foreground those things are the primary driver of their personal alterity and lived experience. They are challenges, but those aren’t the defining features of being autistic. But that’s the stereotype out there which is continually repeated by non-autistic researchers. This is foregrounded for those autists in Higher Education who declare a disability at work as we’re categorised in the following way by the Higher Education Statistics Agency: “A social/communication impairment such as Asperger’s syndrome / other autistic spectrum disorder.”
The upshot of this is that I have an abiding fear that when sharing about my neurodivergence with others, that person will subconsciously begin to find signs of disorder in every social interaction we have after that discovery. This has happened in the past and it’ll continue to happen in the future. And there are corrolaries which also make me wince, like when people speak really loudly or slowly to immigrants in spite of their clear English language proficiency. It’s very hard to surmount the challenges inherent in a relationship where someone is condescending because they have an implicit sense of personal superiority. And we all experience insecurity in ways that drives us to inhabit these spaces of superiority more often than we’d like to acknowledge.
So I’d like you to know about this worry I have.
But, there’s another piece in here that’s worth us considering. In the face of these odd diagnostic framings, I always want to ask: don’t we all have problems with social communication? Isn’t this a key part of being a living creature? Doesn’t every creature experience conflict as it occurs in any healthy relationship? There are whole fields of study, like philosophical hermeneutics, post-humanism and critical animal studies, which seek to confront the fascinating aspects of building understanding and the causes of misunderstanding in communication.
So rather than try to pretend you don’t notice when I’ve clearly missed your point, or I’ve read your reaction to something as more severe than you intended it to be, why not lean in to the awareness that you have trouble communicating sometimes too, that when you’re feeling tired and badgered by the world you might not have extra bandwidth for interpreting cues, mediating confusion or faciliting the process of bridging misunderstanding?
I’m fascinated by the ways that we hold culturally encoded double-standards around communication. In many cases, facilitating understanding by a listener or reader is taken to be a hallmark of skilled communication. This is undoubtedly the case, as I’ve learned from a lifetime of cross-cultural communication and teaching, which is often about troubleshooting how effectively you’ve been understood and learning to anticipate and surmount barriers. But if we’re being honest here, I think it’s worth acknowledging that being well-understood can also be a feature of having a homogenous social life and inhabiting hierarchies. It’s much more likely that, for most of us, we think of ourselves as easily understood and understanding people simply because we don’t spend that much time outside our comfort zone, staying within close-knit circles of people who share our experience, cultural background, social class, and particular competencies. There are forms of deference which are built into relationships where we are expected to mask misunderstanding and protect fragile egos.
What I really want to see is how a person performs when they’re thrown into a situation where they’re expected to communicate with people you don’t share much with. You can see this at work when people travel outside their home country for the first time, take an unexpected career transition, or move to a new place. Suddenly a person realises that their communication competencies do not arise from skills, experience and training, that those capabilities are more fragile than they’d expected and that there’s some hard work ahead. Moreover, when we are thrown into that kind of situation, we’re confronted with the sides of ourselves that emerge when we’re under stress: you may be impatient, sharp, slow to react, etc. and this compounds the embarrasment and difficulties of surmounting misunderstanding.
Some of the best teachers I’ve worked with are people who have placed themselves in situations of language and cultural diversity and developed forms of grace and patience for themselves and others which are the gateway to understanding. Some of the most skilled and empathetic communicators I know are neurodivergent people. Imagine how it might transform our organisations and families if we were more honest about how we’ve experienced breakdowns in communication, and more forensic about the aspects of our culture which drive us to conceal or hurry past misunderstanding in favour of quick and decisive action.